Meet Sheila. Sheila?s been married for 26 years, and her youngest of 5 children is about to start college, leaving her and her husband with an empty nest. She is not terrified by the separation from her children as much as she is terrified about being alone with her husband?just the two of them. ?There is no warmth between us,? she says, ?and he always criticizes me and I simply can’t stand his negativity anymore.?

As mothers, we often make motherhood the largest part of our identity, leaving no space (or less space) for our intimate partner. After all, we love being moms, it feels natural to us, and it’s very rewarding. So there’s no surprise that when our children finally launch, we feel an empty space inside our hearts as well as the familiarized phrase, an ?empty nest.?

When I talked with Sheila, I encouraged her to see her life-transition as an opportunity to refocus on her personal priorities and reinvent her identity, apart from her role as a mother.

At some point in our personal journeys, every woman should question her identity and choose or redefine who she wants to be. Let go of others? expectations, past experiences, and societal pressure and make ourselves the person who defines our ?who?.

When you feel your partner is distant, like Sheila, and you feel that the connection between you has flown the coop along with your kids, remember that it’s not too late to fix it.

Here are 7 ways to reconnect with the man you married, even if he feels like a stranger:

1. Stop the blame game.

You cannot control other people; you can only control yourself. Instead of blaming him for the disconnect, be willing to see your part in it. After all, you are still a couple. When we judge another person we label what they do as ?good? or ?bad?. Over time, we not only judge what they do, we judge who they are. Judging, criticizing, and blaming are toxic behaviors that cause you to give your power away. Instead of labeling things as good or bad, make observations and stick to the facts. Leave the judgment to the court house. Own your actions and let other people own theirs.

2. Leave the ?fantasy world? and come back to reality.

You look around you and you think that your friends? relationships are perfect, that their world is much better than yours. The relationships glamorized on television and in the movies are not real. The characters in the fiction books you read are just that, fiction. So stop comparing these imagined worlds to yours. Nobody’s life and nobody’s relationship is perfect. Rather than compare your relationship to an illusion and dream of an unrealistic one, look reality in the face and start there. Awareness is the first step.

3. Accept it: He is not going to change!

Let me say it again: he is not going to change. But YOU can and you must be willing to. Shift your focus from changing him to changing yourself. Don’t expect him to be someone he’s not. Open your eyes and see your partner as he is. Let go of the ?Prince Charming on a white horse? illusion. He may not be a prince and he may not own a horse, but he’s still yours. You might see sides of him that you have never seen before. And I guarantee you will see sides of yourself that, let’s face it, need a little work. I?ll bet you wouldn’t like to be compared to a supermodel.

4. Before reconnecting with your partner, reconnect with yourself.

There’s nothing more important than self-love. If you want real lasting and fulfilling love, you must be willing to stop making their happiness your responsibility and instead focus on your own happiness. When YOU love YOU, he will love you more. My friend and colleague, Christine Arylo, created the Invitation of choosing ME before WE:

?Know yourself. Be honest with yourself. Love yourself. Trust yourself. First. Then consider HE and WE, never settling for less than what your heart and soul desire.? ~ Choosing ME before WE by Christine Arylo.

5. Listen more, talk less.

Think about it: When communicating with your partner, how many times do you find yourself thinking about what you want to say next while he’s talking, not even listening to what he says? Stop! This is a bad habit? Listen! Really listen! Think before you reply. Enough said.

6. Communicate your needs, calmly and clearly.

Communication is the best medicine for ill relationships. When you release judgment and criticism, you free up energy that you can better use to communicate with peace and clarity. Making yourself vulnerable requires some courage: the courage to be seen and heard. Communicating your needs clearly, with no judgment and blame, will help you start reconnecting with your partner. Instead of giving up on him, you send him a message that you believe in him and the relationship and you are willing to work on building it back up. He won’t know until you tell him.

7. Be willing to do the inner work.

One of the clients I work with one-on-one got depressed by meeting her girlfriends and hearing how unhappy they all are in their marriages. Who wouldn’t get depressing listening to constant gripe sessions! Negativity spreads negativity! I reminded her that the difference between her and them is that she is willing to do the inner work. The change doesn’t happen by itself, my friends. You have to be willing to take responsibility and do the inner work. Then share your positive experience with your friends and feel the energy change.

You might know what to do but don’t know how to do it. You might have an intention of reconnecting with your partner but feel lost and don’t know where to start. Choose one thing from this article to try and make it your first step. Then choose another. Reach out to me if you need help. I would love to help you.