Hello Beacon, and welcome to this week’s Upshifting Vlog.
“She has no idea how to parent her kids.”
“He smokes and drinks like crazy. I can’t stand him.”
“She is out of her mind to turn this job offer down.”
We all judge! Who doesn’t judge and criticize others?
But at the same time, we want to stop judging. We want to stop criticizing because we know that judging and criticizing is toxic. No wonder that many of the women who hire me as their coach and mentor have brought this topic to our sessions together recently asking for help to stop judging others.
As a coach and mentor, I always say that I can help you to achieve whatever you want. Anything. But first you need to know what that thing is. A lot of the work I do is helping women to become clear with what they want.
I hear from women who are tired of having so much tension, conflict, and negativity around them.
Others have shared fears of becoming like their hyper-critical parents, even when they know that their parents’ judgmental tendencies come from a place of pain, such as lacking emotional support.
Others have seen their children start to judge and criticize and want to stop the legacy before it’s too late.
Judgment is human. It is also toxic.
When we judge other people, we usually have a tendency to judge ourselves as well.
More and more women are realizing that this judgment game is very draining for them.
How do you stop? The answer is, you can’t.
It would be unrealistic to think that you can stop judging completely. However, you can definitely change the balance between judgment and praise, criticism and compliments.
Marriage expert John Gottman has a formula for preventing divorce and suggests that we aim for a five to one ratio of positive to negative interactions.
What if, for every time you judge, you come up with at least two positive things to think and to say? At the beginning, it might be a more internal process where you don’t say the praise out loud, but eventually you will want to express those things to others—or to yourself, if your goal is to stop judging yourself!
I want to share a really powerful strategy to help you move out of judgment.
But first I want to ask you a question. What is the difference between observation and judgment? Think about it for a minute. Observation is neutral. It’s really just noticing something more objectively. Observation is sticking to the facts. Judgment is labeling the facts as good or bad. So saying, “it’s a stormy night,” when there is a storm outside, is really sticking to the facts. But saying, “this fucking storm is ruining my evening,” that’s labeling the facts. Labeling the storm as good or bad.
There is a lot of judgment in saying, “He’s smoking and drinking like crazy. He’s so useless and irresponsible, and I can’t stand him.”
Who are we to judge if smoking and drinking are part of his journey and the lessons that he needs to learn or not?
To say, “he’s drinking and smoking a lot”—that’s observing. That’s sticking to the facts. I hope that you can see the difference.
Do you want to stop judging?
Step back. Observe.
State the facts in a neutral way.
Bring curiosity into your observation process.
That really helps you to judge less or to stop judging. Say, “the way that she’s parenting her kid is so interesting,” but bring curiosity into the process of observation. It will help you emotionally to detach from the negativity, from the conflict, from the tension, and to be in a more neutral state.
Upshifting Mission of the Week:
Balance judgment and criticism with compliments and praise.
Sticky Note of the Week:
I shift from judgment
I stick to the facts.
This will remind you about this really powerful strategy to shift away from judgment. Remember that, as Beacons, it is important for us to allow ourselves to be human, to be imperfect. But at the same time, we can practice simple tools and ways to achieve and operate from a higher level of energy. Thank you for being here, and I hope to see you next time.